Intimate Relationships: Into Me You See

The act of intimacy or intimate relationships bond family, friends, coworkers, strangers and those in love. The poor development of intimate behavior can lead to a one-sided tug-a-war with one party getting too close too quickly. True intimacy requires empathy--an ability to not only stand in another’s shoes but to share in their blisters.

There is a process to intimacy; it is not just some ‘thing’ you find. Intimate relationships grow with time--the more you know yourself, the closer you can get to someone else. The difference between intimate relationships and noncommittal relationships is the behavior. In the latter, behavior is often motivated by an ulterior motive--one the other person may not know. For example, talking to a colleague simply to learn new gossip about the new guy in shipping and receiving. This information might not have been offered freely if not for the bogus intimate exchange.

Within each of us, we have five elements that when in complete harmony help us govern our lives and foster intimate relationships. We have the physical aspect: the touch and the feel, the social: interaction and communication, the intellectual: knowledge and discovery, the emotional: feelings and desires, and the spiritual: cultural and philosophical. For balance to occur, all five of these parts need to work together. In our search for intimacy, sometimes we look for the easiest solution--the one for today. One of the biggest drawbacks our society faces today is the overindulgence of instant gratification.

Physical intimacy is the easiest of the five elements to achieve, however, it can also come with the biggest price tag. When most people think of physical intimacy they think of sex: tearing the clothes off the object of their desire in a torrid moment of passion to satisfy a physical want.

Where are they after the endorphins subside?

Once the toe curling feeling of an orgasm wears off, you are no closer to an intimate relationship then when you started. When your interaction is based solely on the physical, the four other elements lay dormant--waiting to surface.

What do you do when the sex ceases to satisfy?

Some choose to get into a relationship thinking it will satisfy their restless urges. Once in a relationship, they may think they have found the true intimacy they have been searching for. However, if you don’t open up to the other person, then it won’t matter if you rationalize your feelings by claiming you are in love because insecurity doesn’t go away on its own. It will fester until you start picking pointless fights with the other person eventually breaking up. What the human race needs is not just sex, it’s true intimacy. The human race was not meant to be alone. We live our lives connecting with perfect strangers everyday; therefore, without the five key elements to intimacy, love and harmony won’t flow naturally. Even then--we must work for it or we will find ourselves like a radio station with static--out of frequency.

Whether we admit it or not, deep inside many of us, we long for the perfect love. Tragically, if we find that love, we tend to push it away. Many people are afraid to open up and be close to another person because they are scared of being hurt. As a result, they’re afraid of love. The notion of a painless love is but an oxymoron because the closer you come to someone, the greater the chance there is of getting hurt. When we’re in a relationship, we leave an emotional imprint of ourselves on the other person. When that relationship comes to an end, whether you are ‘the dumper’ or ‘the dumped’, the feelings have already been exchanged. Consequently, there is just as much hurt about ending the relationship as there is about being broken up with. The real question is how do you deal with the hurt?

To keep the pain out of new relationships, some people resort to a form of double-talk. They may say, as long as we avoid certain topics, we can be close. Oftentimes, secrets are kept from the other person. This is damaging. Even if the other person does not know about the secret, the whole idea of keeping a secret goes against the very principal of having intimate relationships. Knowledge may be the power that motivates action but a naiveté surrounding a given secret does not excuse the betrayal of intimacy or make it any less of a traumatic experience. Although the fear of being hurt may motivate these actions, the other person may feel cheated or even humiliated. In all actuality, it will often drive the other person away and ward off any hope of finding true intimacy for yourself.

Exploring the act of intimacy, we must realize that true intimacy takes on many elements. Intellectual intimacy is the exchange of thoughts and ideas with another person. Social intimacy is where people engage in an activity for an ultimate purpose such as building a fence. Emotional intimacy is when two people express their strengths and weaknesses while feeling safe that the other person will empathize with their feelings. Spiritual intimacy is the ability to connect with another person on a philosophical or cultural level. Often, this happens through religion but this does not always have to be the case. Finally, physical intimacy deals with the touch and the feel. This level of intimacy includes a wide range of sensuous activity including sex. The fact that intimacy touches many different dimensions in our lives is further proof that intimacy is many different things for many different people at many different times.

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