A Break Up Letter Written Compassionately Is Called A Dear John/ Jane Letter

A break up letter written by a woman to a man stating that she has found someone else is referred to as a Dear John letter. When it is written from a man to a woman, it is called a Dear Jane letter. Either way, it is an attempt to break off the relationship with a semblance of compassion. The letter does not place blame, simply, it states that the other is a good person, while offering hope for a brighter future with someone else.

The following are some tips on how to write an endearing Dear John/Jane letter:

1. Handwritten Letter
You want to send the final copy of your break up letter in your own handwriting. It is a little more personal that way. It says that you took the time, and this message is important to you.

2. Make Notes
Think about the points you want to make and jot them down before you write the letter. After all, once it has been sent or found, there is no going back. Articulate clearly what you want to say. Bear in mind, he or she may read your letter more than once.

3. Negativity
Stay away from the negative. This is not the kind of message you want to send. The break up letter will hurt enough on its own. There's no need to start a war between the two of you. Besides, you don’t need future regrets.

4. Under Appreciated?
Do not tell the other person how they don’t appreciate you, nor should you say anything that may lead the other person toward the belief that if they change, they might still have a chance. Remember, you want a break up. So don’t make the other person feel that the two of you could possibly get back together.

5. Tough Call
You can say that this has been a tough decision for you to make, and it has been a struggle for you to write this letter, but it is for the best. If it is the differences that have come between you, outline those differences!

6. Clear And Concise
Be clear and simple. State that you don’t believe the two of you are right for each other. That way the blame is dissolved and not one person is at fault.

7. Be Blunt!
State outright that the relationship is over. Don’t be vague by leaving an inkling of a chance that the two of you will get back together. You need to state that it is a definite break.

8. Positivity
Be positive and reassure the other person by stating you think they're a great person--lie if you have to. You could say, someday you'll find your perfect other half--one who will appreciates you completely.

9. Friends?
I have used this phrase many times: you can’t go from holding hands to shaking them. Okay, so it isn’t always true. However, if you’re writing the other person a Dear John/Jane letter, then it had to be bad enough to want to end it. Right? So, don’t suggest a friendship; it will be more trouble then it is worth. But hey, when some time passes, and the two of you have moved on--if coincidentally you run into each other, you never know what could happen. If it is meant to be, then it will be. But for now, leave it amicable--not buddy buddy.

10. Closing The Letter
When you close the break up letter, just leave it with your name. Do not leave something like this: I love you, love always, love, or a you will always be in my heart. This love undertone will confuse the other person--to no end. I promise you, if you leave a term of affection it will come back to haunt you. Your name only--will suffice.

11. All Finished?
You’ll know your finished with the break up letter by the great weight which has just been lifted. I suggest that you put it away for a day or so. Come back to your letter tomorrow with a fresh brain. You don’t want regrets so there should be no harm in waiting a day or two. The next day, read it again. If you are still okay with everything, send it.

The preceding steps won’t help with anything more than deflecting potential battles which could ensue due to a rush to judgment. I have said it many times before--no regrets. I mean it! Take your time with this. I understand that you are at your wits end in the relationship, but I also see both sides. I imagine most of you reading this have as well. You don’t need to add undo stress to yourself. So, write the letter filled with what you want to say. Then rewrite the letter saying what you should say, leaving out all the stuff you don’t really need to say.

Click here to move from Break Up Letter to Ending a Relationship




Click here to return to the home page